Pan-Brighton Neighbourhood Watch Meeting

Concorde 2, January 27 2010
If you are not aware of the recent Pan-Brighton Neighbourhood Watch Meeting that took place in Brighton you should probably stop reading here and go back to living your normal lives in peace, because I assure you you will not have a clue what I am on about. I couldn’t even begin to give justice to the weirdness that went on at this event that happened, nor do I think you would believe me if I tried.
All these crazy party kids from different scenes joined together and galloped about with an innocence one can only relate to a tenth birthday party. And we thought to ourselves – no one is ever going to get anything done in this environment, better to just join in. So there we were, dancing to an assortment of ‘bad-ass’ pop classics wondering if we were ever going to get round to discussing the problem at hand; that seagulls are just about intelligent enough to be scheming and evil, which is a growing threat and the highest contributor to neighborhood crime in our area. But no, there were more important tasks at hand.
It is not difficult to understand the rules of bingo but let me assure you that the number of false bingos that occurred greatly out stood the minimal number of actual wins and in all seriousness it just added to the pure genius that this ‘cult’ has been the foundations of. There’s nothing quite like seeing a grinning drunk person get absolutely tarnished by a loud, angry swearing man and two dancers dressed up in Amy Winehouse chic (believe me it works). Imagine if Rob Brydon had been a kid and that kid idolized Eric Cartman and had been given the power to present some sort of school award ceremony or quiz or something; that would give you a rough outline of our angry (magnificent) swearing man. Here’s one conversation that can (just about) be repeated…
‘What’s your name?’
‘I’m David’
‘And what’s your shit job David?’
‘I work in Topman’
‘TOPMAN! And David also gets up at six because HE’S A DRUG ADDICT’
‘Has David won? …NO… you’re a *%$£ing loser get off the stage!’
Don’t underestimate how difficult that game is. You’ll find yourself fumbling through a sheet of numbers whilst two hilarious women call out rather rude and disgusting rhymes to match the many numbers you couldn’t even find – even if you hadn’t had all those drinks beforehand, because the lights are low and there is a group of people behind you shouting and screaming and punching people out of the way because they drank more than you and started ticking off random numbers – and now they think they have won. Anyway, other than this brief account I can only tell you that there’s a top secret Health And Safety meeting happening very soon and you must wear eye protection. Join this secret group below and await instructions.
All the best.
Words by Kate Elliott.

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